Oster Pro 1200 Review – RTINGS.com

Tested using
Methodology v1.0

Review updated Dec 02, 2022 at 10:56 am

Latest change: Writing modified Dec 02, 2022 at 10:56 am

By Adam Scartozzi, Theresa Ketterling, and John Peroramas

8.7

Multi-Purpose

8.7

Smoothies (Single Serving)

8.5

Smoothies (Multiple Servings)

7.9

Ice Crushing

7.8

Professional Use

overview
test results
deals
discussions

Blender Type

Full Size Blender

Power

1,200 W

Hot Blending

Yes

The Oster Pro 1200 is a budget-friendly full-size blender with a 48-ounce glass jar. It also comes with a 24-ounce personal jar and a to-go lid for single-serve drinks like smoothies or protein shakes. It’s compact, and its components are dishwasher-safe, but it’s not very well-built.

Our Verdict

8.7

Multi-Purpose

The Oster Pro 1200 is amazing for multi-purpose use. It comes with a 48-ounce glass jar that you can use for hot blending and a smaller personal jar for single-serve drinks like smoothies. It can also produce bar-quality crushed ice and smooth nut butter. It’s easy to clean by hand, and its jars and lids are dishwasher-safe. However, it doesn’t feel very well-built, and its gear design isn’t very durable.

8.7

Smoothies (Single Serving)

The Oster Pro 1200 is excellent for single-serve smoothies. Using its 24-ounce personal jar, it can make a very well-blended smoothie without leafy bits of specks of fruit skin leftover. There’s also a to-go lid included for the jar, so you can easily take it on the go. Unfortunately, it’s not a very well-built blender. Some parts feel flimsy, including the lid for the personal jar.

Pros

• Easy to clean by hand.

• Makes good smoothies.

8.5

Smoothies (Multiple Servings)

The Oster Pro 1200 is excellent for multiple servings of smoothies. If you fill the main jar to its full capacity to make a big batch of smoothies, it makes a very smooth blend with fibrous ingredients like fruit and leafy greens. It doesn’t have a problem crushing ice cubes, either. The removable blades help make it easy to clean, and the jar is dishwasher-safe. Its 48-ounce capacity is on the small side for a full-size blender.

7.9

Ice Crushing

The Oster Pro 1200 is very good for crushing ice. It doesn’t feel very sturdy or durable, and the manufacturer says to only add up to six ice cubes to the jar at once. If you don’t mind that limitation, it makes excellent crushed ice.

8.7

Soups

The Oster Pro 1200 is great for soups. You can use its 48-ounce main jar to process hot ingredients directly from the pot or pan. It makes a smooth blend of fibrous ingredients, meaning it can produce silky, pureed soups and sauces with ingredients like kale and broccoli. It’s also very easy to clean. Unfortunately, it’s not very sturdy.

7.8

Professional Use

The Oster Pro 1200 is good for professional use. It has a versatile performance and can hot blend. The main jar is made of glass, which some may prefer. Unfortunately, while it can handle tougher tasks like making nut butter, it takes some effort, and you may need to use a tool to push thicker mixtures toward the blades. It’s not very well built, and it’s on the loud side. The 48-ounce main jar might not be big enough for some uses.

Pros

• Easy to clean by hand.

• Can hot blend.

• Makes good smoothies.

• 8.7

  Multi-Purpose

• 8.7

  Smoothies (Single Serving)

• 8.5

  Smoothies (Multiple Servings)

• 7. 9

  Ice Crushing

• 8.7

  Soups

• 7.8

  Professional Use

+ Create your own

1. Updated Dec 02, 2022:
   Revised text to match results from Test Bench 1.0.

2. Updated Aug 29, 2022:
   Added a note that the recently-reviewed Ninja Professional Blender NJ601AMZ is better for ice crushing.

3. Updated Aug 11, 2022:
   Converted to Test Bench 1.0.

4. Updated Jan 20, 2022:
   Review published.

5. Updated Jan 13, 2022:
   Early access published.

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Differences Between Sizes And Variants

There are a few variants of the Oster Pro 1200 with different accessories. Our model comes with a 48-ounce (6-cup) glass jar and a 24-ounce personal jar, and you can see our unit’s label here. We expect our results to be valid for the other variants as well, although we haven’t tested the performance of the food processing attachment or the ‘8-cup Tritan Jar’, which is made of plastic and has a larger capacity, meaning it can handle bigger batches. If you come across another variant or your blender is different, please let us know in the discussion section below, and we’ll update our review.

Name	Color	Main jar	Extra features
Oster Pro 1200 Blender	Nickel	6-cup boroclass glass jar	1x 24-ounce jar
Oster Pro 1200 Blender	Nickel	6-cup boroclass glass jar	1x 24-ounce jar, 5-cup food processing attachment
Oster Pro 1200 Blender	Nickel	6-cup boroclass glass jar	2x 24-ounce jar
Oster Pro 1200 Plus	Βlack	6-cup boroclass glass jar	1x 24-ounce jar
Oster Pro 1200 Blender with Professional Tritan Jar	Metallica Grey	8-cup Tritan (plastic) jar	5-cup food processing attachment

Compared To Other Blenders

The Oster Pro 1200 is a budget-friendly full-size blender. It stands out for its glass jar, which some may prefer to plastic. It also comes with a personal jar that you can use to make better smoothies than other inexpensive blenders like the KitchenAid K150 or the Hamilton Beach Power Elite Multi-Function. Unfortunately, it’s not very well-built compared to other budget-friendly models like the NutriBullet Blender Combo, Ninja Professional Plus Blender with Auto-iQ, or Ninja Professional 1000.

Check out our lists of the best blenders for smoothies, the best blenders under $100, and the best blenders.

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The Oster Pro 1200 is a more versatile blender than the Ninja Professional Blender 1000. The Oster comes with a 48-ounce glass jar and an additional personal jar for single-serve smoothies with a matching to-go lid. It makes a much smoother blend with fibrous ingredients, so it’s better for smoothies and soups. On the other hand, the Ninja is better for crushing ice. It has a much better build quality, and its main jar has a bigger capacity.

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The Ninja Professional Blender NJ601AMZ and the Oster Pro 1200 have different strengths. The Ninja is much sturdier and quieter when it’s running. Its jar has a bigger capacity, and it’s better suited for crushing ice. The Oster is more versatile since it can hot blend and comes with a 24-ounce jar for single-serve smoothies. It makes a much smoother blend of fibrous ingredients like kale or broccoli, which is important if you like to make recipes like smoothies, soups, and sauces.

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The Oster Pro 1200 is better than the NutriΒullet Βlender Combo for most purposes. The Oster is more versatile since it can crush ice, and it’s easier to use for tough tasks like making nut butter. On the other hand, the NutriΒullet has a much bigger capacity and makes a smoother blend of fibrous ingredients.

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The Oster Pro 1200 is a bit better than the Ninja Professional Plus Blender with Auto-iQ.  The Oster Pro 1200 does a better job of processing fibrous ingredients like kale, which is important if you want to make silky smoothies and pureed soups. It comes with a 24-ounce personal jar for single-serves and it’s easier to clean by hand. However, the Ninja is sturdier, quieter, and better for crushing ice, so it’s the better choice if you often make drinks like slushies and blended cocktails.

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The Ninja Mega Kitchen System is better for most purposes than the Oster Pro 1200. The Ninja has a significantly better build quality. It comes with a bigger main jar and a pair of personal jars for smoothies instead of just one. It does a better job of making nut butter and crushing ice. However, the Oster can hot blend. Its 48-ounce main jar is made of glass, which some may prefer, and it’s easier to clean by hand.

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The Ninja Blender Duo with Auto-iQ BL642 is better than the Oster Pro 1200 for most purposes. The Ninja is better built, quieter, and comes with three personal jars for single-serves instead one. However, the Oster does a better job of processing big batches of fibrous ingredients in its main jar. Its design makes it easier to clean. Its jar is made of glass, which you might like better.

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The KitchenAid K150 is better for most purposes than the Oster Pro 1200. They offer fairly similar performances, but the KitchenAid is much sturdier and quieter. However, the Oster comes with a 24-ounce personal jar with a to-go lid in addition to its main jar.

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The Oster Pro 1200 is better than the Ninja Foodi Power Pitcher System. It has a 48-ounce main jar and a 24-ounce personal jar for single-serve smoothies. It’s much better at processing fibrous ingredients, meaning it can make a silkier kale smoothie or broccoli soup. It’s also easier to clean by hand. The Ninja is quieter and more suitable for making crushed ice for recipes like slushies or margaritas.

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The KitchenAid Diamond is better than the Oster Pro 1200. It has a much better build quality, it’s quieter when running, and its main jar has a bigger capacity. The Oster comes with a 24-ounce personal jar, but the KitchenAid does a better job of processing small batches of fibrous ingredients for something like a kale smoothie.

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The Vitamix 5300 is better than the Oster Pro 1200 for most purposes. It has a much better build quality, a larger capacity in its main jar, and a better performance when processing fibrous ingredients, making nut butter, and ice-crushing. On the other hand, the Oster comes with a personal jar for single-serve smoothies. Its main jar is made of glass, and it’s easier to clean by hand since the blades are removable.

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Test Results

Sort Category───────────RATINGSMulti-PurposeSmoothies (Single Serving)Smoothies (Multiple Servings)Ice CrushingSoupsProfessional Use

Category AllDesignPerformanceEase Of Use

Design

Blender Type

Full Size Blender

Height

14. 4″ (36.5 cm)

Width

7.0″ (17.9 cm)

Depth

7.5″ (19.0 cm)

Weight

7.9 lbs (3.6 kg)

Shaft Length (Immersion Blenders)

N/A

It’s on the small side for a full-size blender. It’s easy to store on your counter or in a cupboard.

This blender has a mediocre build quality. The buttons on the front of the motor base are clicky and easy to use, and the motor base has vents to allow heat to escape. The main jar is made of thick glass and has a sturdy-feeling handle. The plastic personal jar also feels decently well-built and has a resealable lid. However, the design of the gears and blade assembly may not be very durable. The gear on the motor base is square-shaped but fits into a star-shaped gear on the jar. Since the parts don’t fit together perfectly, it’s harder to place the jar on the motor base. This design can wear the gears out more quickly because it causes more friction as they slip against each other. Also, the blade assembly feels loose and is not very well-made. It has a plastic tab that feels like it may break if you put pressure on it. The blades are only held in place by a rubber gasket that has a loose fit when the assembly isn’t attached to one of the jars. There’s also a small gap between the gasket and the metal plate of the blade assembly, which can trap ingredients and add steps to the clean-up process. However, you can easily remove the blade assembly from the jar by removing the gasket, so it’s easy to take the blender apart. It also means you can’t use it safely if you lose or damage the gasket.

Main Jar Capacity

48.0 oz (1,420 ml)

Additional Jar Capacity

24.0 oz (710 ml)

The jar has a 48-ounce capacity, which is on the smaller side for a full-size blender. It also comes with a 24-ounce personal jar.

Jar/Beaker Material

Glass

Dishwasher Safe

Yes

The main jar is made of glass, which you may find is less prone to scratches and discoloration than plastic. The smaller personal jar is plastic. Both jars, the blades, and the lids are dishwasher-safe.

Blade Type

Sharp

Blade Count

6

Removable

Yes

Dishwasher Safe

Yes

It comes with one removable blade assembly that works with both jars that come included. It’s held in place only with a rubber gasket, so it’s easy to disassemble the blender for cleaning. The manufacturer advertises that the blender has ‘dual-direction technology’ that lets it reverse its blending direction to clear jams. However, this wasn’t noticeable during testing, and you can’t manually activate the feature.

Two-Part Lid

Yes

Lid Closing Type

Friction

The main jar has a two-part lid with a clear centerpiece that you can remove to add ingredients mid-blend. There’s also a resealable to-go lid for the personal jar. It screws onto the jar, but unfortunately, the cover for the spout feels flimsy.

Stow-Away Compartment

No

Cord Length

2.6 ft (0.8 m)

The power cord isn’t very long but will still reach a nearby outlet. There’s no stowaway compartment or place to wrap the cord when it’s not in use.

• Oster Pro 1200 Βlender motor base
• 48-ounce ‘6 Cup Boroclass Glass Jar’
• Two-part lid
• ‘Extra Wide 3.5″ System’ blade assembly
• 24oz ‘Smoothie Cup’
• To-go lid
• ‘Quick Blending Tips’ booklet

Performance

Jar Used

Additional Jar

Fibrous Ingredients Processing

Fibrous Ingredients Texture

It’s fantastic for processing small batches of fibrous ingredients. Using the personal jar, it’s very easy to use to make a single-serve smoothie. It makes an extremely smooth blend with tough ingredients like kale.

Jar Used

Main Jar

Fibrous Ingredients Processing

Fibrous Ingredients Texture

It makes an extremely smooth blend with fibrous ingredients when you fill the jar to its full capacity. It can make a big batch of kale smoothies or pureed broccoli soup with almost no grains or specks leftover.

Crushed Ice Preparation

Crushed Ice Texture

It’s excellent for crushed ice. While we usually use 12 ice cubes at a time in a full-size blender, the manufacturer says to only use six ice cubes at once in this model. Working with two batches of six ice cubes each and using pulse mode per the instructions in the manual, it takes about two minutes to make bar-quality crushed ice. There were a few very small unprocessed pieces, but overall the ice was a great texture for adding to cocktails. However, it has a limited capacity, and blenders like the Ninja Professional Blender NJ601AMZ can produce better results more quickly.

Nut Butter Preparation

Nut Butter Texture

It’s great for nut butter. It’s not as easy of a process as with blenders like the Vitamix 5200 since you need to stop the blender, take off the lid and stir the ingredients a few times to keep everything moving. Still, after around four or five minutes of blending, it produces smooth, easily spreadable nut butter. There may be a few little unprocessed pieces trapped under the blades.

Noise @ Max Speed

97.1 dB

It’s a loud blender. While most blenders are pretty loud, many full-size models we’ve tested make less noise at maximum speed, including the Ninja Professional Blender 1000.

Min Speed

4,500 RPM

Max Speed

18,000 RPM

Power

1,200 W

Speed Adjustment Based On Jar Type

No

It has a wide range of speed settings, although you have limited control over the speed because there are only three presets, plus pulse mode. The blending speed is the fastest when you’re using pulse mode.

Ease Of Use

On/Off Switch

Yes

Speed Presets

3

Speed Dial

No

Hot Blending

Yes

Pulse/Turbo Mode

Yes

Programs

3

Blending Time Indicator

No

Programmable Timer

No

The motor base has buttons for three speed presets: ‘Low’, ‘Medium’, and ‘Ηigh’. There’s a dedicated pulse mode button, which yields the fastest blending speed. You can also choose from 3 blending programs: ‘Green/Frozen Smoothies’, ‘Food Chop/Salsa’, and ‘Milkshakes’.

Once you plug the blender in, you need to press the on/off button to turn it on before it will run, which is a nice safety feature. There’s a light that flashes when the blender is ‘on’. The manufacturer advertises the blender to have seven speed settings, which seems to count the blending programs, pulse mode, and speed presets separately.

This blender is very easy to clean. It’s very easy to clean the jar by adding warm water and soap to the jar and running the blender on high. You then need to use a sponge to wipe the jar and blades, but that’s quite simple since you can remove the blade assembly from the jar. It’s an easy process, although you may prefer blenders you don’t need to take apart to clean, like the Blendtec Designer 725.

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Oster Pro 1200 Smart Pulsing Countertop Blender

Last updated date: December 29, 2021

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Show Contents

Contents

1. Our Take
2. Features
3. Specifications
4. From The Manufacturer
5. Expert Reviews
6. Overall Ranking
7. Our Countertop Blender Buying Guide
8. Our Countertop Blender Tip and Advice

We looked at the top Countertop Blenders and dug through the reviews from some of the most popular review sites. Through this analysis, we’ve determined the best Countertop Blender you should buy.

Update as March 7, 2023:
Check out The Best Countertop Blender for a detailed review of all the top countertop blenders.

Overall Take

With seven speed options and three pre-programmed settings, this countertop blender gives you control. Cleaning the unit is also a breeze, as it is made out of a boroclass glass jar that can withstand thermal shock. That makes it completely dishwasher safe.

In our analysis of 55 expert reviews, the Oster Pro 1200 Smart Pulsing Countertop Blender placed 3rd when we looked at the top 14 products in the category. For the full ranking, see below.

From The Manufacturer

Blending just got better with the Oster Pro 1200 Plus. You can make everything fresh and delicious with this blender’s versatility and performance. The powerful motor impresses any chef as it blends through ice, greens, frozen ingredients and more. Starting up with an extra boost at 1200 power watts, it works with blending force to smoothly and continuously create the consistency you need. Smart settings are conveniently programmed to blend the perfect smoothies, salsas and milkshakes in just one touch so you never have to guess how long or what speed to blend your ingredients. The wide base allows foods to flow freely down to the blade and dual direction technology spins the Crush Pro 6 Blade in forward and reverse motion, optimizing the blade’s power to blend all types of foods. Better Blending Tip: Cut up fresh fruit ingredients and freeze in individual portions, then just grab out of the freezer and blend up a smoothie in no time. The 6-cup Boroclass glass jar is durable and dishwasher safe. Blend in the included 24 oz. smoothie cup, then take it with you to work, on your walk, and more. Includes pre-programmed settings for smoothies, salsas, and milkshakes, and 7 speeds from pulse to puree.

Expert Reviews

Expert Summarized Score

2 expert reviews

User Summarized Score

3,187 user reviews

What experts liked

The blender is easy to use and clean, durable, fast, and powerful.

– Best Blenders Reviews

| Full review

Smart settings technology, Interchangeable blender and food processor with various attachments, Dishwasher safe boroclass glass jar, Can produce a variety of foods, Easy to use, Premium stainless steel finish, 10-year warranty.

– All Great Appliances

| Full review

What experts didn’t like

In some reviews, users have claimed that the blender makes a lot of noise, but only when placed on a hard surface (such as wood). When placed on rubber or softer surfaces, the noise is hardly noticeable.

– Best Blenders Reviews

| Full review

Different parts require individual cleaning, Oster blender replacement parts can sometimes be difficult to acquire

– All Great Appliances

| Full review

1. Ninja Professional Intelligent Countertop Blender

Overall Score: 9.4

2. Ninja BL660 Dishwasher Safe BPA-Free Countertop Blender

Overall Score: 9.3

3. Oster Pro 1200 Smart Pulsing Countertop Blender

Overall Score: 9.2

4. Cincred Personal Bullet Countertop Blender

Overall Score: 9.1

5.

homgeek Stainless Steel Blades Countertop Blender

Overall Score: 9.0

6. Blendtec Total Classic Self-Cleaning Countertop Blender, 10-Speed

Overall Score: 9.0

7. Vitamix 5200 Easy Clean Thermal Countertop Blender

Overall Score: 9.0

8. KitchenAid K400 Presets Soft Start Countertop Blender

Overall Score: 8.9

9. KitchenAid Varied Speed Reinforced Countertop Blender

Overall Score: 8.5

10. Cuisinart Peak Hurricane Pro Commercial-Grade Countertop Blender

Overall Score: 8.2

11. Cleanblend Professional Quiet Countertop Blender

Overall Score: 8.2

12. Oster Pro Modern Super Fast Countertop Blender

Overall Score: 8.1

13. Ninja Nutri Pro One-Touch Auto-iQ Countertop Blender

Overall Score: 8.0

14.

Dash Chef Series 64 Hot + Cold Countertop Blender

Overall Score: 8.0

From shakes to smoothies and beyond, a blender can become one of your most prized appliances. If you’re determined to get healthier, a blender can become an essential tool, helping you make nutrient-rich smoothies. But it’s also great for blending margaritas for your summer pool parties or making shakes for the kids.

There’s no shortage of criteria to consider when you’re shopping for your next blender. Durability is important, but you also want to make sure it can handle every challenge you send its way. If you plan to make frozen drinks, for instance, you’ll need a blender that can easily crush ice into small bits. But a blender with a motor strong enough to tackle those tasks comes with a few downsides as well.

One issue is noise. Some blenders are quieter than others, but the ones that get high marks for tackling every challenge are often the loudest. You’ll also pay a premium for blenders that can handle a wide range of recipes. But there are blenders that are less expensive and also capable of making the drinks and shakes you’ll enjoy most often.

When you aren’t making tasty concoctions, you’ll need to store your blender. If you have a gigantic kitchen, you may have counter space to store it in a corner somewhere. But most homeowners want to tuck it away. It’s important to pay close attention to size and weight to make sure it will be easy to slip under the counter when it’s not in use.

Of course, even as you’re considering all of those things, you’ll probably still be concerned about your budget. Some blenders may seem to have a hefty price tag but once you read everything it will do, you’ll decide it’s well worth it. It can help to be honest from the start about the types of recipes you’ll make with your blender. By cutting out luxuries like mixing cake batter, you may be able to save money.

• It’s hard to beat the Vitamix line of blenders, assuming you’re willing to pay for a professional-grade blender. The Vitamix 5200 Blender can expertly handle any task you send its way, whether you’re blending sorbets, ice cream, or frozen drinks.
• Some Vitamix models have five pre-programmed settings. They also have a pulse mode, while other blender models do not.
• The secret to powerful blending is in the motor. Some models have a 2 horsepower motor. Keep in mind that some 5-speed blenders have a sufficient motor to handle smoothies and basic chopping, but they can burn out if you work them too hard.
• Another consideration when choosing a blender is recipe availability. The Vitamix blenders come with a few recipes, but you can also find blender recipes specific to that brand online. Although you can always pull up general recipes that work with any blender, it’s nice to have some that are customized to the appliance you own.
• If you want to store your blender under the counter when not in use, look for a low-profile pitcher that makes it easy to slide into shorter shelves.
• Clean-up time is an important consideration as well. The Vitamix blenders aren’t dishwasher safe, so plan on handwashing after every use. Some models actually have a self-cleaning feature, which is quite handy.
• You don’t want to wake the entire house up just to make a breakfast smoothie. Look for a countertop blender that is known for being less noisy.

Grigory Oster’s Eight Bad Advice

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Culture

27.11.2022 10:45

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Anastasia Skorondaeva

Who taught us to give bad advice? Of course, Grigory Oster, who is celebrating his 75th birthday today. But, of course, not only the cycle of “Bad Advice”, where he emphasized the behavior of ill-mannered children, made him famous. He was born in Odessa, studied in Yalta, served as a sailor in the Northern Fleet. After the army, Grigory Oster entered the Literary Institute. Gorky in Moscow at the Department of Drama. Later he admitted that he “engaged in children’s literature for reasons of survival, but I liked this business so much that I began to do it further.” It is understandable, it was easier to hide from censorship, but at the same time to clearly show your talent. “Caught that bit”, “Kitten named Woof”, which with that name in the yard was waiting for some trouble, “38 parrots” about the Monkey, Elephant, Parrot and Boa constrictor, “Legends and myths of Laurel Lane” – all this was also written by Oster .

Sergey Starostenko/RIA Novosti

But “Bad Advice” was especially fond of boys and girls. The first bad advice “The Brave Chef” was published in the magazine “Kolobok” in 1983. Further publications continued in various other magazines and for a long time came out as separate small works, and the first collection was released only in 1990. Oster called the genre of his poems “pedagogy from the contrary”, since they parodied the clichés of pedagogical morality.

The book began with the following words: “Recently, scientists discovered that there are naughty children in the world who do everything the other way around. They are given useful advice: “Wash in the morning” – they take it and do not wash. They are told: “Hello to each other “- they immediately begin not to say hello. Scientists have come up with the idea that such children should be given not useful, but harmful advice. They will do everything the other way around, and it will turn out just right.”

“RG” offers to remember a few “Bad Advice” by Grigory Oster and immediately follow them.

***

• If you are visiting friends,
• Do not greet anyone.
• Words: “please”, “thank you”
• Don’t tell anyone.
• Turn away and ask questions
• Do not answer anyone’s questions.
• And then no one will say
• About you that you are a talker.

***

• For example, you have 9 in your pocket0036
• It turned out to be a handful of sweets,
• And you came across
• Your faithful friends.
• Don’t be afraid and don’t hide,
• Don’t run away,
• Don’t shove all the sweets
• Together with wrappers in your mouth.
• Approach them calmly.
• Shake their hands firmly,
• Slowly say goodbye
• 0036
• Rush home quickly.
• To eat sweets at home,
• Get under the bed,
• Because there, of course,
• you will not meet anyone.

***

• Never wash your hands,
• Neck, ears and face.
• This is a stupid activity
• Doesn’t lead to anything.
• Hands will get dirty again,
• Neck, ears and face,
• So why waste energy,
• Waste time.
• Getting a haircut is also useless,
• There is no point.
• To old age by itself
• The head will grow bald.

***

• If your friend is the best
• Slipped and fell,
• Point your finger at your friend
• And grab your stomach.
• Let him see, lying in a puddle –
• You are not upset at all.
• A true friend does not like
• To upset his friends.

***

• If you caught your sister
• With the grooms in the yard,
• Do not rush to give her to dad and mom.
• Let her parents first
• Marry her,
• Then you will tell your husband
• Everything you know about your sister.

***

• If you don’t have a dog,
• Follow on a leash
• Lead around the apartment
• Electric iron.
• So that he doesn’t spoil the parquet
• And don’t pour puddles on the rug,
• Three times a day on the grass
• Take me out for a walk.
• And so that in the evening the robber
• Does not wander into the light,
• Write with chalk on the doors:
• “Caution: evil iron. ”
• Not a single normal swindler
• He won’t even put his nose into the house,
• Where he lies in wait
• Meeting with a large iron.

***

• If grandmother interferes
• To pierce the tablecloth with a fork,0036
• Choking with resentment
• Show no tears,
• Offended men
• Should not be humiliated.
• Let everyone see how silently,
• Without bowing your head,
• Forever from your women
• You go under the table.

***

• If you still can’t reach the button in the elevator
• Look for a girlfriend ,
• By pressing all buttons,
• With a breeze you will rush in the elevator
• To any floor.

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Literature

37 tips for everyone who is trying to be a good father

We have collected for you the best advice for fathers from Grigory Oster, the creator of the Bad Advice genre. This is archival material first published in 2011.

Tags:

children

archive

No. 3

1) When answering your children’s questions, don’t forget that anything you say can be used against you.

2) Before going to bed, read not fairy tales to your child, but lectures. So he will fall asleep much faster.

3) If you are firmly convinced that it is too early for a child to know what he is asking you about, answer in such a way that he does not understand anything.

4) Never hesitate. Better just give the child a slap on the back of the head for such a question.

5) If a child asks about something you don’t know, don’t admit you don’t know. Talk about what you know well, gradually moving on to what you know worse. In the end, the child will get bored, and he will fall behind.

6) If you are convinced that the child himself knows the answer to his question, tell him so. Invite him to answer his own question and praise him for the correct answer.

7) If, after you answered his question, the child began to stutter, tell him that you were joking.

8) If during a walk in the forest a child does not ask you a single question, it means that he has left you behind for a long time.

9) Send the child to the mother – let her answer his questions.

10) If you somehow managed to save your son from the Oedipus complex, don’t relax. There is also a complex of Pavlik Morozov.

11) When preparing a child for life’s difficulties, be careful not to tear off his ears.

12) If your child is out of mobile coverage, it doesn’t mean it’s all over with him. Try to just shout to him from the window to go home.

13) If you can’t get your child off the computer, send them an email.

14) If your child asks for a second cake, buy him a whole cake. And let this be a good lesson for him.

15) If the teacher accuses your child of any wrongdoing, do not rush to take her side. Remember: a teacher is to a student what a wife is to you. The child is forced to listen silently for hours to everything she says, answer her most tricky questions and each time explain in detail why he came at the wrong time. That is, he did not come on time. To her for a lesson.

16) A child should not always receive the same punishment for the same repeated offenses. When he shows his tongue to your guests for the fifth time, put him for a change not in a corner, but in the middle of the room.

17) If you hid matches from children and you can’t find them yourself because you forgot where you put them, ask the children – they will gladly show you.

18) If your child has been bitterly offended, do not immediately rush to console him. When he has already forgotten the insult, remind him of it and, when he bursts into tears again, press him to his chest and comfort him.

19) Do not demand the impossible from a child. First, try to eat this porridge yourself.

20) Never yell at your child in front of guests. Wait until they leave. And if they are delayed, whisper in his ear everything that you think about him.

21) When sending a child to summer camp, be prepared for the fact that he will return ahead of time, having received an early release for his impeccable behavior.

22) Each child at home should have his own corner in which he will stand, if that.

23) Electricity switches in the apartment should be located low enough so that it is convenient for your baby to turn the light on and off all the time while you are in the toilet or bathroom.

24) Remember: delaying a sexual relationship with an adult daughter will not prevent her from getting pregnant.

25) Explain to your child that he must learn to behave modestly and decently so that no one will guess his true intentions.

26) Explain to the child that a person who violates the rules of the street should hug his parents tightly and say goodbye to pets before going out into the street, because most likely he will see them for the last time.

27) Pamper your child as often as possible, and he will grow up to be a sensitive, gentle, and self-indulgent person.

28) If your child was born a girl, comfort her. Tell her that this is not the worst. It could have been worse – she could have been a boy.

29) Respect child labor. After all, it sometimes takes a child several hours of hard effort to create the mess that you find when you return home in the evening.

30) Remember that in relation to a teenage child to parents, from love to hatred is not just one step, but literally one small click. Don’t put your fingers in it.

31) Keep in mind: if your teenage child is impudent, self-confident, doubts himself all the time, ruthless and good-natured, greedy and disinterested, trusting and cunning, stupid and brilliant, then you have a completely normal child.

32) If a child demands that you love him for who he is, let him wash himself first.

33) If a child deliberately tries to piss you off, don’t go out.